Midlife Crisis...i haz one

Amazing thing, time. Amazing how quickly things can change and also how, when you make a tough decision, a really tough one, how things just seem to then fall into place.

Push has come to shove in my life. I've known this was going to happen, I've tried very hard not to let it happen, but guess what? It happened. So, on Thursday, I had to make what I thought at the time, was a very hard and depressing decision...and that is, to sell my house. I spent the day on the "unhappy couch" under an afghan, rocking a bit. Feeling like Life must enjoy the taste of my butt, because it seems like Life has been biting me in the ass a whole lot lately...one thing piled on another, piled on another.

So I make this decision and suddenly, the sky is a little bluer, the clouds are a little fluffier. I actually realize what I've been saying about this house for the last 12 years..."This is not the house I would have picked, but I love the location". I don't love this house, I never have. Since I inherited it, it's been little more than a source of aggrevation and expense. It wasn't technically even in my name when I had to start pouring money into it. A new roof, new gutters, followed shortly thereafter by a new furnace, A/C, water heater, new appliances, a new foundation wall, a new back porch...catching my drift here?

You know what else? I can't remember that I've ever referred to this place as my home. It's always been my house...and what's more, in my head, it's always been Dad's house. Without lots of background, the relationship I had with my father was difficult at best. When I moved back here, it was with the hope that we could possibly mend our relationship, but I can't really say that happened, but the important thing to me was that I tried.

The other thing that happened when I moved back here, was that my life effectively stopped. The career path I was on stopped, on-going relatioships stopped, everything just stopped. It's like I've been in stasis since. Alive, but not living. What's worse, the big world that I couldn't wait to go out and embrace, was getting smaller and smaller. Life started becoming a mental exercise instead of an activity. I just stopped.

Not only that, but I started to grow fearful. That lead to my life getting smaller, which lead to more fear, which lead to...you get the idea.

So it's time to embrace the great big world again. I'm selling my house and renting for one year. In that year, I can work and have the time to plan for what's next. I'm going back to school, ostensibly, at least at this point, to update and further my education so that I can again be a licensed therapist, but with a different focus this time. I can actually take the time to write a business plan, execute it and have an outlet for my creativity. I can *not* rush willy-nilly into anything and everything to try to stay the panic. I can have exactly what it is that I want. After i figure out what it is...

i can haz life pleaz? k. thx.